Self-confidence, check!

I was at the chiropractor's office a few months ago.  I had the children with me.  We were sitting in a little room, and I had a massaging thing on my neck.  There were two older ladies in there with us.  They were looking at Olivia and smiling. 

Then one lady asks, "So, how old are you?" 

Olivia says, "I'm free years old.  And I know I'm pretty.  You don't have to tell me." 

The lady looked at me and asked what Olivia had said.  I had never been more thankful for that "only Momma can decipher what the child says" thing.  I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled.  I wanted to crawl under the table!     
I know that she hears it often, but I never realized that she picked it up.  I certainly never realized she could verbalize that she heard it. 

Kevin has often said that he prefers to tell her that she is smart, funny, nice, loving, good at dancing, fun, a great artist, etc. etc.  He wants her to notice those inside sort of things that really make her who she is.  I didn't think that she'd pick up on that stuff yet either.  I guess I was wrong. 

Inside stuff it is.....

"We are like da sheeps"

I was standing in the kitchen on Thursday morning trying to cook breakfast for the children.  It had been a very hard week, so I was having a hard time keeping it together.  I'm stirring oatmeal and crying.  Olivia is sitting in a chair behind me chattering away as Olivia does.  Then she says, "Mommy, do you know Jesus is a shepherd and we are like da sheeps?  And he pick us up berrrrry gentle and HOLD US!"  Then she continued chattering. 

Oh how I needed to hear that!  Sweet little baby speaking words to soothe me when I need them.....

"Out of the mouths of babes......"

Goodbye Facebook. Hello Life.

I've said it many times in the past 6 months, but I've never actually done it.  There were many reasons that I "needed" to be on Facebook.  I followed my coupon blogs on there.  That is where my Free Kindle Books listing was. Who would take care of the giant fake mansions that I built with the profits from my burgeoning carrotsicles crop?!! The most important reason was that all of my pictures were on Facebook and how do I get them off? 

When I got to thinking about it, all of those things were rather ridiculous.  I can click right over to my coupon blogs and Kindle websites.  I can take my pictures off of Facebook (FYI...it's tedious!).  I can plant real flowers with my children!!  I can actually live my life without Facebook.  I may actually be able to live the kind of life that people pretend to live on Facebook because I'd have the time to do so. 

If I were to be completely honest, I didn't want to leave.  I can keep up with what everyone else is up to!  I can see my sister's coworker's uncle's vacation pictures from their exorbitant vacation to a little known island.  Or, to state it correctly, I can look into the lives of other people whom I don't really have anything to do with on any given day.  Then I walk away feeling lonely and less-than.

I think that this is where Facebook was crippling for me.  I want to be honest here.  I have, for all of my life, struggled with self-esteem issues.  Facebook did not help this!!   On Facebook, I had about 85 "friends."  In the last month do you know how many of those "friends" called, wrote, or visited me?  Six...and that number includes my mother and 2 sisters.  Pre-Facebook, this would have been just fine.  That would have brought contentment.  My mother and sisters are my favorite friends.  The other three people are ones that are very near and dear to me.  To have that many people close to my heart should be enough, but I found myself being discontent.  This realization was the start for me. 

I started to feel very sad that none of these 85 people were actually active in my life.  I started to look at the pictures of my 85 "friends" and ask myself, "Why am I never included in these dinners, outings, play dates, cooking dates, etc etc etc.?"  I saw pictures of what other people were doing with their children and questioned my own mothering.  I started to wonder what was wrong with me.  I started to wonder about my worth.

But, you know what, I do indeed get out with my friends.  We have fun!  I do indeed take my children to fun places.  We cook together and play games and act silly.  I just don't write about all of that or put up pictures of every teeny tiny thing that we do.  There's also a lot of regular life that happens.  Some days my children don't listen.  Some days I yell.  Some days I don't get out of pajamas.  Some days we eat oatmeal for dinner.  Those are the things that happen in everyone's lives, but they don't talk about it.  So, not factoring that in was really skewing my view of what was real.

I realized that I'd rather talk to my friends on the phone and hear their voices.  I'd like to know how her day really was and be able to tell from the inflection in her voice if there's something deeper.  I don't want to just know that "Today Bubbanator and Lil' Bub Jr. III went to Al's BBQd things while I rested at home."  I want to know that she was disappointed that she didn't get to go dig into some BBQd things.  Or I want to hear that she is excited that she actually got to stay home and paint all 10 fingernails at once! 

I want real life and not just a picture that I put a fictional story to.  I don't want to be given permission to be lazy and not call simply because I feel like I already know everything that is going on.  Because, in reality, I don't.  






 

Just ask.

We've all heard "you have not because you ask not."  I have heard it in countless sermons and seen it written in several places, but I confess that it has always just been "sermon talk" to me. Tonight I understand it. 

I have not because I ask not.....not because the Lord doesn't want me to have it, but because I haven't bothered to ask Him for it.  I haven't given Him the time to say, "Oh, sure!  Why not?"  It's like my own children.  For instance, today Olivia wanted a pear.  There really was no good reason NOT to give it to her, but I wouldn't have necessarily thought to do it.  Then she asked, and I thought, "Well, sure.  Why not?"  She said thank you and walked away happily munching on her little green treasure.  Olivia asks for stuff all of the time!  I often say no, but later she asks for something new....sometimes she asks for the same thing again.  The point is that she asks!!  For all of the "no" responses she may get, she still knows that, if it is something that is good for her, there is a very good chance that I'll say ok.

Really, how simple is this?  How did I not get this?  I'm a smart girl.  I read my Bible.  I know it says ask.  How did this one little thing fly right over my head?  How many little green treasures could I have walked away with had I simply asked? 

I sort of feel like a whole new world of possibilities has opened up to me.  How generous is He?!  I'm going to ask!  You ask!!  Oh where to start? 

Where are you going to start?

Love

It seems as though my sweet boy does his deepest thinking in the car. We were in the car on September 11, 2007 when he blurted out, "Mommy, do you know what I did last night? I telled Jesus to GET IN MY HEART!! And He did." And that was that. He just kept on looking out the window. It was so easy and sensible to him. I hope he always feels that way. It still makes me teary-eyed to think about it now.

We were also in the car the other day when he announced, "Mommy, I know what the last thing I'm going to do in my whole life is. I'm going to die and go to Heaven." I said, "Yes, son, that's right." Then he said, "Mommy, I feel worried about sister because she doesn't have Jesus in her heart. What would happen if she got dead?" I did the best I could to explain to him that God knows when we are old enough to understand that we need to choose Him. I explained that God doesn't want any one of us to be separated from Him and that He takes care of the babies and brings them home to Him if something happens to them before they have Jesus in their heart. Then he simply stated that he loved "sister."

I don't know if it was too big of a concept or not. I'm sure that I will know soon. He is just like his wonderful father when it comes to needing time to process things. I look forward to seeing what his thoughts are on this.

I love seeing this part of my son. I love that, even though his sister annoys him, he still cares very deeply about her in a way that is deeper than a simple "I love you." I love that God blessed me with the husband and children that He did, and that I have a chance to help direct them to a different path than I had growing up. I hope that my sweet babies always choose God and always feel a deep concern for those who haven't chosen Him yet.

Pictures of the Children

Yes, I know. You have just picked yourself up off of the floor after passing out. I apologize for being the cause of this momentary lack of consciousness. I am, indeed, blogging today! Perhaps you should buy a lottery ticket...not that the Bulgrien family condones gambling. ;-)

These pictures were taken by my friend Evelyn's daughter, Amy. They were taken out at Ken and Evelyn's house out by Lake Cherokee. Amy did a great job! You can see her other fantastic stuff here.

Yes, I do know that there are more pictures here of Olivia than of Benjamin. Benjamin recently had his pictures done at school and also has quite a large collection of pictures that we have taken of him over the past 6 years. Olivia, not being the first child, seems to have significantly less pictures. It is an odd phenomenon. Ask my youngest sister Jenny. There are no pictures to prove that she even was a baby. She could have just popped out of our father's forehead fully grown and fully armed...a la Athena! But I digress....

So, without further ado, I present to you the world's most beautiful children!!!!




























I told you so!!

I'm glad I live in America...

...because I have choices.

...because I can teach my children about Jesus or not.

...because I can vote for our leader or not. If I don't like the outcome, I get another shot every 4 years.

...because my children and I can have opinions even if they differ from those of others.

...because I can choose to teach my children to respect differences even if he disagrees. You can be loving to someone you disagree with.

...because I can choose to teach my children not to hate.

...because I can teach my children that words hurt others--even if they are well-intentioned.

...because I can freely believe that God is bigger than America. He's bigger than donkey vs. elephant. In the end, He's bigger than my choices and opinions. He's bigger than hate. He's bigger than fear. He's just bigger. He's love.

Jesus loves the little children...and their Mommies.

Benjamin will start the first grade tomorrow. I have been feeling like my world is coming to an end. Yes, Benjamin went to school last year, but only from 8-11:45. This year he will be at school from 7:30-3! I am already worried about missing him so much and about only having around 4 hours with him each day. I adore that boy! Being without him makes me sad.

I have a whole new respect for Kevin's mother now (not that I didn't have any before). She and Kevin's father were missionaries in Africa. They were doing work for the Lord and the education that was available for their children was less than appealing. Kevin and Michael went to a boarding school 400 miles away for about 9 months out of the year. How did she do it?! I have heard her say before that she just had to trust the Lord with her children when she didn't know what else to do. They are amazing!

Tonight I feel like the Lord really made an effort to show me that He has all of this in His hands. We were getting ready to do our devotion time with the children tonight. I told Benjamin to go and get our Bible story book. We started a new one tonight, so I opened it up to the first story. It was titled "Jesus Loves Children." It talked about how Jesus loves children and how he thinks we should all be like children because of their simplicity and their faith. It went on to say how Jesus doesn't like anyone to hurt His children and how He takes care of them because He loves them so.

It was really special to me. Not only was this story a good one to encourage Benjamin for tomorrow, but it was also a loving reminder to me that Jesus loves Benjamin more than I ever could and that He will take care of him when I can't.

Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that you would make this happen like it did tonight. I see your hand in this and I am thankful!!

PA, Day 3

Michael got this picture of us. I was amazed! It is almost impossible to get both children looking (normally) at the camera. It only took him 3 shots! I really like this picture. Thanks Mike! Oh, and no, we didn't color coordinate on purpose. It just happened.


Day 3 was church day. We went to the big program that Mike and Leta's church has for children. It was fun! Afterwards, we had lunch and a relaxing afternoon.

While getting ready for church, Daddy had some coffee. Livi needed some too! I can't blame her. Uncle Michael makes really good coffee. I make mud!

Olivia had to wear bracelets just like Mommy.

She chose to taste them all first. Not like Mommy!

The man in the picture with Kevin is Dave Barr. He and his wife lived right behind Kevin's family in Africa (if I'm remembering the story correctly). They now live in PA...about 3 minutes from Mike and Leta.

Surprisingly, Olivia went right to him!

However, not for long. She adores being with Daddy!

Katrina got to ride in our car on the way home from church. She was hiding and I got her picture. She's a sweetie!

That afternoon, Julia and I decided to paint our toenails! Julia did mine and then UNCLE KEVIN did hers!! She really liked this!!

Kevin didn't think he'd do well, but he really did! I was tickled that he did this for her!

Matching toes!

Olivia really enjoyed her Uncle Michael! Even more so once he caught on to Livi's favorite sitting place....shoulders!

Oh, adorable story. Jonathan and Benjamin were inseparable the whole week. They played constantly and slept in the same bed each night. On Sunday night, Benjamin came downstairs very upset. He said that Jonathan didn't want to sleep with him anymore and that he was very sad because he really wanted to be with Jonathan. Apparently Benjamin must have misunderstood something because Jonathan was very concerned when he found out that Benjamin thought this. He came right downstairs and cuddled Benjamin. You could tell that Jonathan was thinking very hard about what to say.
He told Benjamin that he really enjoys him and wants to have him upstairs with him. He even made a little plan about how to sleep. It was so sweet to see Jonathan console his little cousin. I cried.

(notice how sad both of their little faces are)

They got everything all cleared up and then headed up to bed. It all worked out in the end. Here is the result.



God is so good to bless us with our family. To give my little Benjamin such nice cousins is amazing!

For Stephanie and Laura

A "Real" Friend

"What is real?" asked the rabbit one day. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you, and a stick out handle?"

"Real isn't how you were made," said the Skin Horse, "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real. It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time...Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been rubbed off and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Margery Williams
From The Velveteen Rabbit

I know that this is an excerpt from a kid book, but it is meaningful to me. I love this book. I was especially reminded of you both when I read the part about "when a child loves you...not just to play with, but really loves you." It is nice that, even though we can play, that our friendship is more than that There is something deeper there that is far more important than the surface garbage that today's world seems so obsessed with.

Thank you, Stephanie and Laura, for loving me even though my "hair has been rubbed off and my eyes drop out" It's nice to have people who want to be friends through it all! You are a blessing to me and I just wanted you to know it.

Our Little Graduate

Today was Benjamin's very special day at school. He was very excited about his Kindergarten Graduation!! He has been telling me about this event for 2 weeks now. He's been practicing his songs and prayers. Yesterday he even made sure that I knew the words to the Pledge of Allegiance, The Pledge to the Bible, and the Pledge to the Christian Flag. He was rather impressed that this old mom of his knew those.

Well, here are the pictures from his big day! He was so proud of himself he could hardly stand it.

Entering the sanctuary to "Pomp and Circumstance."

The Lord's Prayer. He really got into it!

The graduating class.

Mr. Benjamin!

He loved his tassel. He couldn't keep his hands off of it. Good thing that the got to keep it.

After the graduation ceremony all of the children and their friends and families got to go and have cake and punch. The kids chattered and were very excited. We all looked over the scrapbooks that Mrs. Young spent unbelievable amounts of time on. She made individual ones for each child. They're very special! They were also given bibles for their age.

Benjamin and his "Texas Grammy," Evelyn.

Benjamin and his favorite classmate, Valerie. He said that he is pretty sure he loves her. "She is so nice and has very pretty hairs," he declared.

Benjamin and his half-day buddy, Christian (L).

My little guy wore a tie! It wasn't too close to his neck, so no gagging, etc.

Benjamin and Grammy cutting up!

Benjamin and his AMAZING teacher, Mrs. Young.

They really do grow up so fast. I love you, little Benjamin!